Tips for managing directors

When one finally makes their way across the desert to reach the oasis of becoming a managing director, the bank issues them this short note, along with a large base pay raise and the key to the firm’s cafeteria (of course once when you have money to spend on $5 subway footlongs, you end up getting free meals at work).


Congratulations <insert> on your transition from a corporate nobody to a respected member of this fine institution.

You made it.

You are now allowed to dine in the firm cafeteria that serves such expensive delicacies from filet mignon from cows that are raised for the sole purpose of providing that cut (the rest of the cow is thrown out) to shark fin soup (likewise, the rest of the shark is tossed out). You are also now allowed to make eye contact with the senior executives (but no touching unless it is consensual). Please see below a few notes to abide by to make your managing directorship as comfortable as possible.

– use the bathroom during the weekly staffer meeting to avoid awkward encounters with analysts at the stalls
– you can leave the office at anytime if you have an office
– feel free to create as much unneccessary work for the analysts for your own self improvement (why read the wikipedia page if you can make your analyst summarize everything and format it into a nice presentation?)
– dont make eye contact with analysts in the elevators, otherwise they will begin inane conversation with you and distract you from thinking about what yacht extension to purchase for your schooner
– dont get too attached to the analysts: they are dispensable and change every year

Again, congratulations on achieving your lifelong goal of becoming managing director. Please inspire in the junior members of the firm the dream of one day reaching MD by acting like a priviledged, self-righteous demigod.



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